On Making Progress...Or Not

Lately my life has felt like one step forward, two steps back

Before you read this…have you ordered my new book yet? If not, please consider doing so now!

Lately, I’ve seen a lot of doctors.

I’m prediabetic, which I think I mentioned before…but if I didn’t, now you know! It’s super common for my ethnic group, and also super common during perimenopause. It’s not debilitating or anything, but it is definitely a giant pain in the butt.*

Look, becoming prediabetic was not a surprise for me. Pretty much everyone in my family gets diabetes at some point, just like pretty much all of us wombed people in my family get thyroid disorder. That doesn’t mean it’s incredibly frustrating, though.

See, the best way to get back to normal insulin nonresistance (or whatever it’s called - I’m not that kind of doctor) is to lose weight. Except when you become insulin resistant…it’s hard to lose weight. This means that no matter how many salads I eat, laps I swim, or weights I lift, I can’t seem to get healthy.

It’s not like I haven’t made progress. I recently went down a pant size, and I do feel stronger than ever. But no matter what I do, that little column on my test always stays abnormal. It has for the past five years.

It’s frustrating AF.

*This is, I believe, the technical term.

Because I am an author, everything feels like a metaphor…including this.

Being an artist means grinding away at your chosen art form and feeling like you’re making no progress. You keep reading your stuff and it doesn’t feel good enough. You keep submitting and submitting and you keep getting rejected and rejected and rejected. You keep entering contests and losing. Sometimes, it feels like beating your head against the wall.

Until one day, it doesn’t.

One day, your book comes out! Your piece is published! The editor or agent says yes! The contest gives you a prize!

And it’s awesome. It’s fantastic and wonderful and great and everything you’ve ever dreamed about since you were a little girl scribbling in her Lisa Frank knock off notebooks because that’s all your immigrant parents said they could afford. (Or maybe that’s just me?)

It’s all great!!! And then you start over.

I love listening to podcasts about comedy. One of my favorites is Working it Out, with Mike Birbiglia. Recently, he interviewed Taylor Tomlinson, who is one of my favorite comedians. (Her jokes about mental health are INCREDIBLE.) Tomlinson just had a special come out, and she said that her favorite thing about finishing a project is starting all over. She absolutely loves the blank page.

This is the energy I’m trying to embody right now, on a couple of levels. First, I’m trying to channel all the progress I’ve made on my writing so far - inch by careful, hard won inch - into something new and exciting. I’m trying to appreciate the progress I’ve made, and to celebrate the fact that my next project (whatever it may be) will benefit from everything I learned writing this project. I’m also trying to appreciate how every book I publish opens up new opportunities for me - and I don’t just mean capitalist opportunities. I mean I make new friends, build more community, learn more about myself and who I am as an artist.

Second - and maybe more importantly - I’m trying to celebrate this moment for what it is. Did I completely get rid of my impostor syndrome? No. Is my need to prove my self worth through achievement going away any time soon? Not likely. Am I totally healed of all my shame and insecurity because I published a book that is one of my favorite things I’ve ever worked on? Absolutely not - even typing that sentence, I couldn’t bring myself to write “one of the best things I’ve ever written” because all I could think about were the mistakes that I can’t change, even though the book is out in the world.

So, you know, I’m not the healthiest person. But honestly, who is? And maybe instead of focusing on everything I haven’t gotten right - including, apparently, my blood sugar- finishing a book is a time to reflect on how much I have gotten right. Maybe it’s okay to not have the perfect body, or perfect health. Maybe it’s okay to treat whatever you have as enough, and to honor the progress you’ve made - even if you’re not quite where you want to be yet.

Maybe it’s okay to celebrate milestones even if you’re only halfway there.

What progress are you celebrating now? Tell us in the comments!